A research inspiration: What makes us love people?

 

Written on a misty but sunny morning with air pollution of 3% low

10:47

16/09/21

Thursday, the sun is shining

@Across a misty 5ft window

Dear world,

He first loved you, didn’t he?

I’m beginning with this important statement because I want to tell you a story from my high school days, when this guy called Donnie wrote me letters of his affections for me. He even folded these letters into amusing origamis too. But it wasn’t actually a beginning to a love story. I merely walked with him home a couple of times after school, because I wanted to hear more from him. He made me feel good. But it wasn't a selfish act because I also made him feel good. We talked about things we laughed at.

His house was miles towards the other way from school but he walked with me to my house that was the opposite way. I thought this part was cute but although I enjoyed our conversations, I never actually entertained this for much longer because I ended up liking another guy, Mark Anthony. I can’t remember if he wrote me a letter first like Donnie did, but he became my ‘boyfriend’ through text. It started and lasted with a text towards the end of the year, which was funny because I never even held the guy’s hand. Mark Anthony was from the same class as Donnie and my cousin Perjell. They were two years senior to me. Their home classroom was next to mine too, which was strange actually, because they were in third year and I was in first, yet our classrooms were oddly placed next to each other. My dear cousin probably gave Mark Anthony my phone number, I don’t remember.

My point for telling you this story is because both Donnie and Mark Anthony, in their own ways, first declared their feelings for me. And I ended ‘loving’ Mark Anthony because I thought he was cooler and I liked his mischievous smile. He wasn’t as smart as Donnie nor big with words as him, but Donnie was too sweet and predictable I’d say. Mark Anthony and I texted everyday about generic things and probably cirngey ones like: ‘what are you eating?’, what are you doing now and later and tomorrow?’ and ‘are you breathing?’. Maybe not the last one literally, but whenever he missed a reply for an hour or so I’m sure I asked that too. We also shared a couple of walks to school but those days were bizarre, because people talked about others in a small town. I was shy and he was too. We mainly expressed our affections through words in texts.

The reason why this first statement is so integral to me today is because it’s also a scripture from John 4:19. He first loved me. My God first loved me, because I didn’t. I’m not going to preach my personal beliefs through this blogpost, but I want to talk about how He became my God of love. I simply agreed with his way of loving people. A way that I thought was the best way coming from how I saw my mother and my closest friends, love others. As a child, my mother didn’t push her beliefs to me. She taught me prayers but she and my father gave me all the freedom to form my own. I was living with minimal worries as any child does, but as I grew up, I started to be curious. I was particularly interested in Buddhism at first. I thought it was strange but I admired that people had strong worshipping beliefs that differed from others, and I wanted to understand it. My exploration didn’t go that far because in a way, I was already set with my own, influenced by my mother. 

I say I didn’t love God first because it was only set in stone a few years ago, when a good friend, from sixth form (here in London), and I were reunited. We shared good times 10 years ago, especially in our art classes and we also shared bad times. She saw my mother taken away from me.

After sixth form, we went to our separate ways to different universities and pursued different paths. She helped me through the dark times before that. She was like a lamp post to a dark street to me, and art brought us closer. I thought she was fun to talk to and I liked the high spirits in her family. We chose exactly the same A-levels subjects too. It was as if we were destined to cross paths and reach a great level of friendship. She was the only one in school whom I shared the same subjects with. What were the chances of us choosing those subjects and becoming good friends? Call me whatever but I don’t think it’s as coincidental as you would have me believe. I was amazed at how similar we were, with our experiences and background that made us different. Her mother is a strong believer as my mother was. 

I say my faith in my agreement with God was set in stone, when we met again a few years ago because it was as if I was reminded of my mother’s ways. She set an example I agreed with without realising it, but left too early to shape it like rock. My friend, Catalina, her mother and everyone in her circle influenced me massively in finding my way of being today- to love others like God first loved me. Her mother let random strangers into her home to help them get back on their feet, and Catalina lived this way too. It’s something I immensely admire about them and I want to be the same. Because I became one of those people a couple of years ago. Catalina and I were separated for over 10 years with minimal contacts in between, but they accepted me as a family.

What I’ve come to know today is that loving people is not the same as trusting them. Loving people to me, is understanding them, and be willing to show kindness despite everyone being bound to make mistakes. Loving people is giving them a chance because like me, we’re all finding our best ways to be. It doesn’t mean we are to be perfect friends to our friends, or to be a perfect daughter, sister, girlfriend and so on. My daily conversations with my God of love, make me see a way of being that I like. I think that if I can’t trust most people, I can trust him instead with everything I don’t necessarily trust others with. My weakness for example, I talked to Him about it instead of others because I feel in control that way, because He is my perfect example, and He is for me. I think it’s just human nature not to let others into our weaknesses, we don't like to appear weak. I’ve come to accept this about me, and everyone. Now He doesn’t obviously respond to my conversations with him, or I’d be creeped out myself, but I started to say I love you. Not the way I would say I love you to anyone else, because he naturally never says it back. Would you say I love you to someone who doesn’t say it back?

This is what led me to writing this today. Why have I started saying I love you to God? My theory is because I feel it. It’s real. I can talk to you through all the good things that happened to me, which I believe are God’s doing, like how Catalina and her mother came into my life and lots of other things, but I’m sure lots of people will see it differently too. But I only like what I believe and you can believe what you want too. 

The beauty of believing is that it obviously works for us. In my case, believing my God of love works for me. I’m happy seeing things the way He sees things. I’m happy to first love people by understanding them and showing them kindness first. That’s how I choose to love, I’ll do it first. 

If you don’t see it the same way I do, I’m curious what makes you love others? For someone like me, I would say I loved my parents because they first loved me. Others have different experiences, you or someone you know might have been born without parents, but what about your friends? Your girlfriend or boyfriend? What made you love them? Would you love someone who didn’t love you first? I’m sure many people have answers to these questions that are true to them. They don’t have to say the words for you to feel the love, and I agree completely. I love the way I do today, because my God loved me first.

My last question: What made you love yourself? I love myself because I understood my strengths and weaknesses first, I became kind to myself and now I love me. 

So while I think that loving someone first is an important factor to understanding people and feeling loved, I also think that lots of other things would have to fall into the equation for it to make sense. We’ve all probably loved someone who didn’t love us back, but the point of loving first is to understand them and show goodness without expecting it back. But it doesn’t mean rely on it to be loved back. We also definitely have our parts to play to make it work.

Sincerely,

He first love me